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um car stuff [19 Jun 2007|07:58am]
So yesturday i bought a new car...we didn't plan on it but now im the ...PROUD OWNER OFFF.....a 2005 honda civic ES...with moon roof and something about the wheels that i dont understand...boy stuff...lots of boy stuff on my car. good deal. i dunno but it sure is a pretty dark silver charcoal color. i keep calling it a CD player on wheels...appearantly that isnt funny...to SOME CO SIGNER!...oh well
drive to work
at least i have something nice to drive to work?
Kill The Pain

bdadadggsgs [14 Jun 2007|03:59am]
[ mood | chipper ]

um...im still working on the second job thing. may or may not go to a concert. um. monday im getting my car. stuff blah blah. im still sleeping in the living room. hoping there will be more room in this house sooner than later...its not looking likely. life's getting better. um. i think thats it. rachel dyed my hair. it was very funny. i love you rei rei poo. rachels other rat daisy is having babies in a few days. hopefully i will see it!!!

...pants off to you...or was it rats off...rachel?


ps. study stuff...came...

in dec. is my board exam.



i will hire rachel as my full time make up and stylist. but not hair dye person. hahah

Kill The Pain

uhh [08 Jun 2007|01:41am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Im in arizona. Rachel's baby rats are cute. Moms house now provides for me, rafe, john, johns son, a semi'large dog, two small cats and a very large cockatoo. Ho Hum. Well Rafey is a rafey we play video games. and He bought me tacos. *Rafe is my brother* and um. Im probably getting a new car in a week or two. Yay for me. Working at my same company. Looking for a second job ...blah blah. stuff.

Kill The Pain

Madness!!! [04 Apr 2007|06:19pm]
[ mood | curious ]

Isn't it crazy how some people can drive you to utter madness. To think of the things you do in the name of anger or jealousy. I hope it never comes to that again. I have two years of almost uninterupted peace. I couldn't ask for more peace really. This weekend G and the guys are having a party in Elgin, and I am not 21 years old. Just one more year. It does'nt feel so insignificant but it doesnt mean much now. Im glad ill see the guys before June...Cause i have a secret and i can't wait. It's driving me insane with exhileration. I feel like i could jump out of my skin thinking about it. I don't know if things like this make your past mistakes go away. But i almost feel like i can go back...long before all the madness and drama. I feel like im at peace now though. I don't feel angry or really upset. I feel like wounds have healed over time. And those who sometimes drive me mad are no longer trying to start them anew. So thank you to those people i've been inconsiderate to. Or think i've betrayed them wish my madness. Thank you for now ripping open the scars again when you really really could have. But I feel like i will very soon have some time to rest my soul. I will really find myself now, i can feel it. and there are so many open doors.

Kill The Pain

[09 Jan 2007|06:36am]

1 Open Vein Kill The Pain

wuahahahaha [09 Jan 2007|05:58am]
ILL BE 21 IN THREE MONTHS. im excited. im gonna have so much fun. i dont know what ill do yet. but if im still in ILL we will have one MAD party. fo sho.
Kill The Pain

bah humbug [26 Dec 2006|08:14pm]
[ mood | content ]

Xmas was good. i got all kinds of shit. Ronneys grandmother got me a diamond necklace. i about dropped dead in shock. I feel like we're never going to move. We moved it to march now. I swear to god, i will leave myself. i swear to god himself. I will be gone in March and if im the only one ready for it. So be it. My madre told me she would pay for the apartment and get me a car if need be. Because im ready to go. Its like i can just feel that somethings wrong. I dont want to be int he same state as all the people ive betrayed and who've hurt me. Ive absolutely had it. I hate this state more than i could describe, and i hate most of the people in it. Its my own fault for thriving on drama as a child. But im an adult now, I have a good job, and a fiance, and i just want to have a normal life. Full off tattoo's and cats. I dont think its a lot to ask for. Memories just keep coming back, not just bad ones but good ones. It occured to me that all the good memories i have with people, they are the people that i can't stand to think about now. I think of the mean things people said and did, and i just dont understand. I get underestimated. MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. always and im done. They said i couldnt get my ged. I HAVE IT. they said i'd be mowing THEIR LAWN. what a joke, they got knocked up as a child and work as a waitress, i make more than starting nurses and only work four days a week. Now i worked hard for this, and i want a new start. Im tired of ghosts and shadows and bullshit memories. I will continue to prove them all wrong. I am attracted to weak people, but not anymore. I am through playing with people who will drag me down with them. I look as the people i used to care for, they are sad people who i could never help. and certainly not back then when i was as bad, if not worse than all of them. I am a new person now. I don't need the help to the bottem, i can fight by myself Ofcourse i dont regret a thing that happened. but it's all a joke now. I think of the way i met nako, how did i eer think that would work as a friendship. She was a wonderful person, but its a joke to think that would work. Eryk, or ERIC whatever he goes by now. That was a two year crush, that went out of control. I confused infatuation with love. Its easy to get along with someone you dont really love. I think its even easier to forgive them cheating on you, and lieing to you when it wasn't really love, because who cares, they arent yours. And as for other friends, who have "stabbed me in the back" as i put it. You are children, and i can't be mad at you, because you are a young foolish person following in your other friends footsteps and i cant get mad about that. I would never say my life is perfect and i've done nothing but make bad decisions for YEARS and years untill now. But that is why im giving it all up. everything we are leaving with nothing but my money, and ofcourse video games hahahaha. Internet popularity and all the cheap happiness isn't worth the pain of failure. ITs a very quick fix that doesn't last so long. Im tired of pipe dreams. Nako...You will never be a model, models dont have stretch marks, and babies at fifteen, i think you're a good person. Go to college, stop dating idiots, and dont be friends with people who are hopeless. Eryk, dont be like my dad. Dating girls that cant hold a job, or take care of themselves, it wont help in the end. They will all leave you when they realize they are dolls. That is what i was. I understand you like taking care of people, but you can take care of someone without supporting them completely. And as for Mandi, psh. I dont even know what to tell you. You know jake? ...you are a straight version of him with a baby. Its not going to help you in the long run. Odds are you'll burn out with your good looks, and you'll have nothing but your family to rely on. Im not trying to be mean, and odds are none of you will read it, but that's all ive learned in the last year. I wish i could have helped you all when i knew you. But i was a much sadder person then. and i always wanted to help you. But at that time i couldnt help myself. Ims orry things turned out so badly for all of you. I really am. OFF TOO WORK. also MERRY XMAS RACHEL, RAFE, MOM, GLORIA, AND ERR SHARY AND AND eh thats good enough and everyone else. i hope you got everything you wanted!!! muah.

2 Open Veins Kill The Pain

feh [05 Dec 2006|08:15pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

The move is coming so quickly...four more paychecks...8 more weeks. and ill be gone. it's insane. im so indecisive. im so excited, and worried. but i swear that this is the last time. i have three job opportunities out there. they're all really good. one pays 50 bucks extra a night. but its one more patient... i think it'd be worth it. i miss my family. and then how to transport four cats. and i have money now, so i was thinking of just buying another car so we can get more stuff down there. but i could just wait till i get there to find a car. ho hum. moving is so fun, but so tedious. well im off to think about how we're gonna pack this shit up.

: )

Kill The Pain

hurrrumph [22 Nov 2006|09:05am]
[ mood | sick ]


lets see...update...i make a lot of money. i only work four days a week. we have four cats...well two cats and two kittens. three rats. one has tilt...i need to take her to the vet friday. ronney's friend is supposed to be coming out but his car broke down. thanksgiving is going to be a long drive. Im excited for christmas cause moms giving me a lot of money and rons family is insanely nice to me and buys me lots of stuff...im talkign a bedfull. ive been feeling very sick lately. like abnormally sick. but i dont want to worry ron. we move in february..like the first. it keep sgetting moved back. which is gay. but with xmas bonus and income tax return, ill be loaded. i thinki m on fire. why does it burn? ughitty. um i think that's about it. i cant wait till we move. My madre said she'll pay for our apartment downpayment. help me get a car and let us stay with her till we find a place when we move. she has a waterfountain thing in her pool. i think ill probably want to stay when we get there. uh. I think thats it. I wouldn't want it any other way. true story. i think im dying. goodnight.morning stuff.

2 Open Veins Kill The Pain

jesus [10 Nov 2006|04:24pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i got robbed. rediculous. they took my DS and a couple games, and my shitty jewelry box. It's like God is playing some kind of cruel joke on me. They walked right past the 360 and all the movies and games and shite. and figured hey why not just take HER stuff. GAY.

the 5 0 are retawwded

2 Open Veins Kill The Pain

[31 Oct 2006|06:20pm]

Please have the decency not to text my sister from my screen name if you go on it. cause i dont want to be woken up before work again. Fucking idiots. Fucking grow up. seriously. or just wait to fuck with my internet crap when im at work? yeah try again after 8 okay? thank you. good night. assholes.
Kill The Pain

I feel better. [28 Sep 2006|08:18pm]
[ mood | blank ]


How do you describe a life
so empty and painful?
Without purpose or thought.
When reaching out you
find nothing but the shallow,
the cold and sinking water
You've been drowning,
all this while smiling
like you knew. All the words
they've spoken, all the little
smirks, laughing at your heartache.
They loathe to think you sane.
And so I know i'm stronger.
There's nothing here to prove to you.
I stand to praise no one.
It's not worth condemning you
with your stupidity and morals
lacking. You clearly do not think.
I won't let you cloud my judgement.
For we all know what's to come.
It's never always love and flowers,
For you it will be blood and lies.
Ive stood in those shoes, As it's my past
You fall into now. You will drown
in the tears you cry, and i floated.
I will fit the noose so tightly
your porcelain face will be white.
Like the doll you used to be.
I will watch the life leave you.
Till your eyes so brown have fallen out
and lips are cracked with blood
You will swing with freedom at last.
When you have nothing left.
It will be the Liars turn.
For you must be two in one.
As the words you spewd so recently
All turn out to be so very false.
So the other you must be the true one.
Your ignorance has done you in.
How sad a character is this?
At first as she, and then all three,
I can see a trio of dead
You shall burn and writhe for hours,
Untill it means no more to me.
Your tongue should be destroyed.
Like a plague it spreads insanity.
You care for no one but your own self.
Not even for the things you've made.
You remained healthy while those
around you whithered. Now only you
shall whither and fade to oblivion.
As for the Devil himself.
Eyes to lie with, what you have.
Like ice the day i saw them.
The things i thought i felt.
You are quite the trickster. Eater
of hearts. Suppose its not malice,
but your moronic being completely.
Too foolish to see how false you are.
You are incapable of feeling at all.
The only heart you have
is the temporary ones you are feeding
off at the moment.
Lust is the only Love your capable of.
All of the sadness and tears are just water
A basic need for a demon like you.
I wish nothing but the worst on you,
as the only real evil i've ever known.
There will be no mercy or forgiveness
for a bastard, and failure like this.
So giving for a creature that wants
only to destroy your life.
Bring you misery even when
you feel you've escapted.
Abuser of all that you see.
Hypocrite, liar and fraud.
Your weakness sickens me still.
You have met your match this time.
It is not myself I speak of now.
Though i could speak of your bastard birth,
I could make your whole being hurt.
Yet you should not fear me.
But the one you're toying with now.
When one such as you plays with that fire.
Once you hurt the heart you hold now
My veangance will be completed for me.
So do not fear me dearest Devil.
Now when i can clearly see it.
It's plainly obvious what should come to pass.
Call this my gift to you.
A prophecy of sorts,
And when you all suffer, know
That I am free of it all,
As i revel in it now.
long before it's finished.

How do you describe these lives.
One's that feed on revenge, drama,
lies, and hatred. This is my only
and last attempt with words to
describe the web I've been trapped
inside for five years. This, my
prophecy of the end has freed me.
They are all dead to me now.

1 Open Vein Kill The Pain

OH OH WHO DIDN'T SEE IT COMING [27 Sep 2006|07:01am]
LOL get it. coming. Eryk's fucking Nako. i wish them many children. many. as in...a LOT. and Lord please let them be free of the clap. Lord knows ...well anyway. I officially laughed. and I officially found out a friend was fucking me from behind the whole while. i guess you learn something new each day. But life is good. and i guess that's the important thing. time for bed
2 Open Veins Kill The Pain

[21 Sep 2006|06:12pm]
[ mood | content ]

It's all like a bad dream. I can't believe i forgot about it all. It's like my life ...my past didn't happen, i've forgotten so much. I went through and read some of my journal from two years ago...It's so strange to know i wrote those things. I dont understand myself then. Its strange. I feel more hollow now. But in a good way. I think im definately more bitter than i used to be. But it's almost over. January first we are moving to Sunny Arizona. In the same complex as my dear brother. Ron and I that is. Its weird to see all the hate i had for so many people. People i forgot even exist. It really makes you wonder why you even bothered. I read things i wrote about bettering myself. Its funny since then i got my GED, License, CNA, and now i have a job getting paid the same as people twice my age that work there. Mind you im not bragging. Its more weird than anything. I never even thought about what i was doing. Its not any different now, except i can afford to live. Its a huge improvement but i wonder how much i really appreciate it. I look at all my little plans to run off out of state and live with some joe buttfuck internet guy and get supported by his taco bell money...it's almost so funny it's sad. How unrealistic. I can't beleive i was stupid enough to even consider the notion. All of that and all i had to do was put in not even months worth of effort. It's even more sad when you look back and you can see so clearly why any one even liked you. The things they liked were so artificial and really just flaws. It's horrific to think i could have went the oppisite way and just fucked up. Now granted i would have probably been happy that way too. But i'd say this is much less stressful and i can pretty much do what i want, and work four days a week. Making a lot more then most people i know. Which is suffice to say, a sad and hilarious thing. Now that isnt being cocky. cause it was pure luck, and love that got me this job. i wonder if memories ever just dissapear by themselves, or will i always be reminded of horrible moments in my life, things that i don't like to think on, names that just HAVE to bring it rushing back. Some things you just don't want to think about. When i move to Arizona it's all going to start over for me, i will never think of these people, or memories or mistakes again, and they can all go to hell. I am finished.

2 Open Veins Kill The Pain

[23 Aug 2006|06:19pm]
OH GOD. these people make me vomit. i mean i was looking at some of the people i've added to my livejournal a billion years ago, some i even used to talk to. and the ones who go on and on about their internet love. its rediculous. Don't get me wrong...if you intend to live with them, or even near them at some point, its somewhat rational...but those that play games with little 12 year old internet girls, my god just grow up. its disgusting to read, and im not even involved. blech.
4 Open Veins Kill The Pain

[23 Aug 2006|06:15pm]
im moving to arizona january first...on the real. OUT!!!!
1 Open Vein Kill The Pain

[20 Jul 2006|06:41am]
I just got a 2 dollar raise for nothing. i watch lots of movies at work. BAHAHAH. thats all thats new. oh for those of you who know who nako is, she's dating that eryk with a Y ...but i wonder if its true. well anyway im rich now. and me and ron are moving in a few months to az by my sissy rooners the ooney rei. i love you rachel ba lachel face!!!!!!!!!1 and i love my ronners
1 Open Vein Kill The Pain

[26 Jun 2006|10:22pm]
I feel kind of alone. I don't know why, I doubt if i've ever been more loved. I have a real job...which is nice. and they said there is no such thing as job security. What a lie. I don't think anyone's ever been fired. It's fun too. and interesting. I have my tattoo and a few piercings still, so it's a decent compromise. I miss my friends. Like a lot. but i feel like this might be what growing up is. I watched my mother grow up so alone, with no friends. I don't want to be this way. I don't want internet friends. I feel like that's worse than being ignored by my real friends. It's stupid. I mean i still love david, but he's not an internet friend. I'm blabbing, so anyway things are good, for whoever reads this anymore, i doubt anyone even does. I keep thinking about how i used to post pictures everywhere and talk to all these people i'd never meet. It seems so stupid now, but it made me happy. I just don't have the time. and I can't waste the effort. I miss myself. But this new person seems to be more successful. I used to say the only success i ever wanted was to be truly happy. I wonder if it's a realistic goal, or if even it is worth it. It never seemed to be good enough for anyone i loved. People are so greedy. But i'll play along for now.
Kill The Pain

moneyyyys [23 Jun 2006|09:36pm]
ive been working 50 hours a week. easy. 1600 dollars in two weeks, hell yeahs...unfortunately it doesnt leave much time for fun, but i gots moneyssss.
Kill The Pain

[26 Apr 2006|05:16pm]
yesturdayi got my tattoo at skin gallery, eloise is bad ass. as hell, like really. its an ankh, and my sister drew it, i will not post the design, because i dont want anyone stealing it, its mine! YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!! gloria come over and see it, it's sooo prettty
3 Open Veins Kill The Pain

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