analknifesex (rammstein_doll) wrote,

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bah humbug

Xmas was good. i got all kinds of shit. Ronneys grandmother got me a diamond necklace. i about dropped dead in shock. I feel like we're never going to move. We moved it to march now. I swear to god, i will leave myself. i swear to god himself. I will be gone in March and if im the only one ready for it. So be it. My madre told me she would pay for the apartment and get me a car if need be. Because im ready to go. Its like i can just feel that somethings wrong. I dont want to be int he same state as all the people ive betrayed and who've hurt me. Ive absolutely had it. I hate this state more than i could describe, and i hate most of the people in it. Its my own fault for thriving on drama as a child. But im an adult now, I have a good job, and a fiance, and i just want to have a normal life. Full off tattoo's and cats. I dont think its a lot to ask for. Memories just keep coming back, not just bad ones but good ones. It occured to me that all the good memories i have with people, they are the people that i can't stand to think about now. I think of the mean things people said and did, and i just dont understand. I get underestimated. MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE. always and im done. They said i couldnt get my ged. I HAVE IT. they said i'd be mowing THEIR LAWN. what a joke, they got knocked up as a child and work as a waitress, i make more than starting nurses and only work four days a week. Now i worked hard for this, and i want a new start. Im tired of ghosts and shadows and bullshit memories. I will continue to prove them all wrong. I am attracted to weak people, but not anymore. I am through playing with people who will drag me down with them. I look as the people i used to care for, they are sad people who i could never help. and certainly not back then when i was as bad, if not worse than all of them. I am a new person now. I don't need the help to the bottem, i can fight by myself Ofcourse i dont regret a thing that happened. but it's all a joke now. I think of the way i met nako, how did i eer think that would work as a friendship. She was a wonderful person, but its a joke to think that would work. Eryk, or ERIC whatever he goes by now. That was a two year crush, that went out of control. I confused infatuation with love. Its easy to get along with someone you dont really love. I think its even easier to forgive them cheating on you, and lieing to you when it wasn't really love, because who cares, they arent yours. And as for other friends, who have "stabbed me in the back" as i put it. You are children, and i can't be mad at you, because you are a young foolish person following in your other friends footsteps and i cant get mad about that. I would never say my life is perfect and i've done nothing but make bad decisions for YEARS and years untill now. But that is why im giving it all up. everything we are leaving with nothing but my money, and ofcourse video games hahahaha. Internet popularity and all the cheap happiness isn't worth the pain of failure. ITs a very quick fix that doesn't last so long. Im tired of pipe dreams. Nako...You will never be a model, models dont have stretch marks, and babies at fifteen, i think you're a good person. Go to college, stop dating idiots, and dont be friends with people who are hopeless. Eryk, dont be like my dad. Dating girls that cant hold a job, or take care of themselves, it wont help in the end. They will all leave you when they realize they are dolls. That is what i was. I understand you like taking care of people, but you can take care of someone without supporting them completely. And as for Mandi, psh. I dont even know what to tell you. You know jake? are a straight version of him with a baby. Its not going to help you in the long run. Odds are you'll burn out with your good looks, and you'll have nothing but your family to rely on. Im not trying to be mean, and odds are none of you will read it, but that's all ive learned in the last year. I wish i could have helped you all when i knew you. But i was a much sadder person then. and i always wanted to help you. But at that time i couldnt help myself. Ims orry things turned out so badly for all of you. I really am. OFF TOO WORK. also MERRY XMAS RACHEL, RAFE, MOM, GLORIA, AND ERR SHARY AND AND eh thats good enough and everyone else. i hope you got everything you wanted!!! muah.
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