analknifesex (rammstein_doll) wrote,

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It's all like a bad dream. I can't believe i forgot about it all. It's like my life past didn't happen, i've forgotten so much. I went through and read some of my journal from two years ago...It's so strange to know i wrote those things. I dont understand myself then. Its strange. I feel more hollow now. But in a good way. I think im definately more bitter than i used to be. But it's almost over. January first we are moving to Sunny Arizona. In the same complex as my dear brother. Ron and I that is. Its weird to see all the hate i had for so many people. People i forgot even exist. It really makes you wonder why you even bothered. I read things i wrote about bettering myself. Its funny since then i got my GED, License, CNA, and now i have a job getting paid the same as people twice my age that work there. Mind you im not bragging. Its more weird than anything. I never even thought about what i was doing. Its not any different now, except i can afford to live. Its a huge improvement but i wonder how much i really appreciate it. I look at all my little plans to run off out of state and live with some joe buttfuck internet guy and get supported by his taco bell's almost so funny it's sad. How unrealistic. I can't beleive i was stupid enough to even consider the notion. All of that and all i had to do was put in not even months worth of effort. It's even more sad when you look back and you can see so clearly why any one even liked you. The things they liked were so artificial and really just flaws. It's horrific to think i could have went the oppisite way and just fucked up. Now granted i would have probably been happy that way too. But i'd say this is much less stressful and i can pretty much do what i want, and work four days a week. Making a lot more then most people i know. Which is suffice to say, a sad and hilarious thing. Now that isnt being cocky. cause it was pure luck, and love that got me this job. i wonder if memories ever just dissapear by themselves, or will i always be reminded of horrible moments in my life, things that i don't like to think on, names that just HAVE to bring it rushing back. Some things you just don't want to think about. When i move to Arizona it's all going to start over for me, i will never think of these people, or memories or mistakes again, and they can all go to hell. I am finished.
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